


weaponized children's toys

by melodreama



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: (that's a lie i'm starved for positive feedback), Alfred Pennyworth is the Best, Batfamily (DCU), Bruce Wayne is So Done, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, It's nerf or nothing, Peanut Butter and Criminal Tears, and bruce sure as heck wishes it was nothing, but a coffee table several kids and bruce's sanity were, i just now remembered that clark is a reporter. oops, i threw canon at the wall and whatever stuck is what i used, my tags are a mess, nerf guns, no books were harmed in the making of this fic, or don't. i don't really care if you're not, probably out of character but hey if dc can write their characters inconsistently then so can i!, rated for language, this is my first published work so please be nice!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26359279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodreama/pseuds/melodreama
Summary: Amongst all of the chaos was Bruce, trying his damnedest to ignore his children and their weaponized children’s toys to instead focus on Clark’s hideously written report. If it weren’t for the war taking place around him, he would’ve dubbed Clark’s southern slang and Kansas farmboy sayings the bane of his existence.Or: Bruce Wayne may have been a vigilante in the most crime-ridden city to ever crime, but his kids were going to be the death of him.
Relationships: Alfred Pennyworth & Bruce Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth & Superiority, Batfamily Members & Alfred Pennyworth, Batfamily Members & Bruce Wayne, Batfamily Members & Cassandra Cain, Batfamily Members & Damian Wayne, Batfamily Members & Dick Grayson, Batfamily Members & Duke Thomas, Batfamily Members & Jason Todd, Batfamily Members & Stephanie Brown, Batfamily Members & Tim Drake, Batkids & Chaos, Bruce Wayne & Exasperation
Comments: 20
Kudos: 352





	weaponized children's toys

**Author's Note:**

  * For [A_Z_C](https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Z_C/gifts).



> uh,, hello world!
> 
> this is my first ever published piece and i'm really excited about it!
> 
> this was originally written for the New Gotham City discord pride gift exchange and i did not publish it then, but i've edited it a little and decided to publish it now! (yes, i have realised it has nothing to do with pride. yes, i just realised this two hours ago. yes, i'm a dumbass.)
> 
> so yeah!! follow me on tumblr at mellowdreamer if you want to see some mediocre content and over-the-top tagging!
> 
> :D

“Please, don’t do this to me.”

“I’m sorry, Jason, but I have to. It’s for the greater good.”

“‘Greater good’ – I am your younger brother! Don’t I mean more to you than your precious ‘greater good’?”

“I’m sorry. I never wanted it to come down to this.”

Jason let out a cry of anguish as Dick placed the fourth  _ +2  _ card down on the pile of Uno cards.

The other assorted Batkids around them shrieked with laughter – or in Damian’s case, smirked with the Machiavellian evil of any true demon child – as Jason defeatedly added 8 new  _ Uno  _ cards to his deck of 1. “Mark my words, Dickface,” He pointed a finger at Dick, “I’m going to get you for this!”

“What’re you gonna do, Jaybird?” Dick grinned, revelling in the satisfaction of being the older sibling who finally got the upper hand on a younger sibling. “You gonna use one of your nine cards against me?”

Jason’s eyes narrowed and at the speed of light, he was on his feet brandishing a Nerf gun that he had pulled out of his jacket pocket. “Try me, bitch.”

The room went silent. Eyes turned to Dick, watching him silently stare down Jason as he pulled out a Nerf gun of his own from under the couch cushion. “Challenge accepted, bitch.”

“Language, and no fighting in the manor.” Bruce reprimanded, not looking up from his WaynePad. Clark had sent him a report on the Justice League’s most recent encounter with Deathstroke. Bruce, under the pretence of checking the fine details, was reading through to ensure that there was no gratuitous use of the word ‘ _ y’all _ ’ like last time Clark had filled out a report.

There was a fleeting moment of peace before everyone scrambled for Nerf guns and various potential weapons.

Dick crowed with joy and scaled one of the many bookshelves lining the room, planting himself at the top and pointing his Nerf gun down at the others. Jason armed himself with several pillows and stationed himself in a corner, dragging a loveseat over as a makeshift barrier. “You’re all going down!” Steph stood her ground and pulled out five Nerf guns from – well, none of them knew where and none of them particularly wanted to know. 

Damian, visibly itching for a blade but not wanting to get grounded again, snatched one of Steph’s Nerf guns and crouched behind the armchair that Bruce was sitting in. The only person close to normal in the room, Duke, sighed and grabbed another one of Steph’s guns as he ducked behind a bookshelf. Tim, the genius of the family chose to arm himself with the best possible weapon – Cass, who’d already snatched one of Steph’s Nerf guns without her realising.

And as all this went on, Bruce sat in the middle of the room with his  _ Peanut Butter and Criminal Tears  _ protein shake and his WaynePad, trying his best to ignore his kids and their shenanigans.

The Batkids all stared each other down in silence. None dared to move, until Jason aimed his gun for Dick and fired. Dick curled up into a pretzel, safely avoiding the Nerf bullet, and promptly opened fire upon the rest of his younger siblings. He managed to get Steph in the neck, Tim in the leg, Jason in the chest, Duke in the shoulder and Bruce in the forehead. Bruce slumped further in his armchair as the bullet hit him, never once taking his eyes off of his WaynePad despite the chaos beginning to unfurl around him.

Steph let out a comical war cry and sprayed the room with bullets. She’d had an advantage in having an extra gun, but what she had in quantity she did not have in quality. Only two of her shots actually landed; one hit Damian, who glowered at her from a safe distance, and the other bounced off of Bruce’s shoulder and landed in his protein shake. 

Forgetting where he was, Jason snorted at the dejected expression overtaking Bruce’s face. The other kids slowly turned to stare at Jason with raised guns and a determined fire in their eyes.

“Oh. Oh,  _ shit. _ ” Jason threw himself to the ground as Nerf bullets were fired at where he’d been standing, bouncing off of the walls and raining down on him. When it became clear that he wasn’t in a hurry to get back up, the kids turned on each other. Jason cringed as he heard the bullets hitting flesh – Cass had obviously unleashed her wrath – and the subsequent cries of pain.

When Jason was confident enough that the others were all preoccupied attacking one another, he poked his head out from behind the loveseat to admire the chaos. Steph was fending off Cass’ onslaught with a pillow and one of Duke’s shoes, while Duke himself had succumbed to the loss and was lying on the ground. “Why?” He groaned, accepting however many bullets hit him.

Dick had somehow curled up even tighter on top of the shelf and was sniping Tim, Damian and Steph from above. Tim shielded Cass from the rain of bullets, protecting her and allowing her to shoot at will. Damian was dodging the wild assault, even hauling Duke half off of the ground to use as a human shield.

Amongst all of the chaos was Bruce, trying his damnedest to ignore his children and their weaponized children’s toys to instead focus on Clark’s hideously written report. If it weren’t for the Nerf-ridden war taking place around him, he would’ve dubbed Clark’s southern slang and Kansas farmboy sayings the bane of his existence.

As Bruce replaced yet another one of Clark’s contractions with formal wording, Cass aimed her Nerf gun at Steph and pulled the trigger. Steph threw down both of her guns and shielded her face with her arms, cringing in anticipation for the impact of the small bullet – but it never came. The only thing that hit Steph was the fact that Cass and Tim were out of ammunition.

With a near maniacal grin on his face, Jason vaulted the loveseat and began to unleash hell on Tim and Cass. Tim let out a piercing shriek and threw himself into Bruce’s lap, curling up and using the bulk of the Batman to shield himself from Jason’s reign of terror.

Cass silently slipped into the shadows and reappeared next to Dick, who’d been watching the scene with piqued interest from his perch above them all. She waited until Jason had stopped shooting to poke Dick in the arm. Only then noticing her, Dick screeched and fell off of the bookshelf, landing on the coffee table and shattering it instantly.

The door to the lounge slammed open and the room went still. “And  _ what _ , might I ask, is going on here?”

Everyone froze as the most superior member of the family, the God amongst these mere mortals, narrowed his eyes at them from the doorway. Dick groaned from where he was splayed out over the remains of what was once a very nice coffee table that had been gifted to the Waynes by a distant relative. “H-hey, Alfred. I can explain.”

“Then you’d better explain, Master Richard.”

Dick tried sitting up to face Alfred, but succumbed to his struggle and laid back down in the wooden pieces. “Nope, never mind. Jay started this, he can explain.”

Alfred turned to Jason, who suppressed the urge to shiver under the unrelenting heat of Supreme British Polite Anger. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Damian grinning like a froggy demon – which, of course, was an invitation. Jason raised his Nerf gun and, to the chagrin of Alfred, Bruce and the ruined coffee table, started his second reign of terror.

Damian hissed as he was nailed in the throat. Throwing down his gun, Damian leapt over Duke and Steph to charge at Jason. Jason passed his gun to Cass and caught Damian by his underarms, spinning around and using the momentum to hurl Damian at Bruce and Tim. 

The armchair that Bruce had been inconspicuously sitting on fell back and hit the ground with a loud thud. Tim flailed, sandwiched between Damian and Bruce, and kicked over Bruce’s protein shake. Crushed under two of his sons and covered in protein shake, Bruce shook his head. Clark’s ridiculous report was looking a lot more merciful now.

Alfred sighed and left Bruce to his children. He deserved a break from the family – and after all, if Bruce could handle Gotham’s underground, he could handle his children.

Right?


End file.
